Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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