did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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