I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
