I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
