the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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