this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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