Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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