hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
