3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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