You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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