guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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