They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
