the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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