Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
