She is in my trunk
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
