It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
