This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
