Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
