I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
