so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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