You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
