Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
pray to the hookup gods
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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