Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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