My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
