It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
