I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
