tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize