Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
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