I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Boobs speak an international language.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
