Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
