wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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