Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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