Pants 0. Shit 1.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
