so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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