did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
