i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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