don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
