this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
