did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
