dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
