Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
