So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
