so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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