the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He kissed a someone with a penis
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
