the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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