Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
