I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
