She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
