And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
