we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I need moral support for this bender
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
