3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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