barbara walters just said penis...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
