she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
