shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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