So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
