He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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