His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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