how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Small penises have feelings too.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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