she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
