Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
