Umm I'm too high to move.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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