I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
