i wish my penis had a tongue
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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