Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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