party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
